Why Would A Good Guy Go to Hell?

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My sons ask some really tough questions. They are so inquisitive, and curious about how the world works and why people do what they do.  Many times the questions they ask let me know that there is much more going on in their head than I realize.  

The oldest has been working on a school assignment to memorize the Apostles Creed.  At breakfast one morning my wife was quizzing him on the phrase, “He descended into hell; and on third day he rose again from the dead.” After a few moments of thoughtful silence he dropped the bomb on us. 

“Dad, Why would a good guy go to Hell?”

I could see the connections being made in his brain.   He was thinking, “Mom and dad have been telling me all along that this Jesus guy is good, they say He is perfect, He is God, He loves me, and that I can trust Him.”  “I also know that hell is a bad place.  I know that there is fire; pain, hurt, and that I do not want to go there.” 

So his little brain reasoned quite logically, why would this good guy go to such a horrible place?

 Isn’t this the question on which the whole world hangs? Why did Jesus die on the cross descend into hell and come back to life?

I attempted in my feeble way to share surprise and wonder with my son.  Isn’t it amazing that Jesus went to hell on our behalf?  Imagine how horrible it would be if you and I had to go to hell for all the bad stuff we do?  Or, what if the only way for us to be right with God was to live a perfect life?  How good does a person have to be to be ‘ok’ in God’s eyes? 

           

This question from my son revealed to me anew the wonder of salvation.  I AM NOT GOOD, NO ONE IS GOOD apart from the sacrifice of Christ and it is only through his life, death, and resurrection that I have hope for the future.  This good guy went to hell so that I don’t have to.

Thank you Lord, for teaching me through the thoughts of a young boy.  Thank you for working in my child’s heart and planting the wondrous seed of faith.  Grow in him this seed of faith allowing it to blossom through trust in the powerful work of Jesus Christ.   

This was first published on the Dad Matters Blog  

Daddy Will You Hold Me?

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       I used to be a cruel and sadistic parent.  I was selfish, tired, resentful, and overwhelmed.   

       My first son learned to walk when he was around nine months old.  At about 18 months I figured he had had enough practice and I expected him to walk everywhere he went.  When we went to the store he would slowly climb his way out of the car seat, I set him on the ground and expected him to walk to the store.  He would start to whine about halfway there, when his little legs struggled to keep up with my full strides.  As he plopped himself on the ground crying, “daddy hold me” my frustration would start to boil, I attempted to provide a logical choice, “You can walk, or you can ride in the cart.”  However, logic was thrown out the window when I expected an 18 month old to walk the length of a parking lot. 

            8 years and 3 kids later I was reminded of my cruel and sadistic past.  My five year old is high energy and high emotion.  By the end of the day he has run his tank dry and seems to have little energy left for any self-care.  As we finish reading books he plops himself on the floor and asks, “daddy will you hold me?”

            When I scoop him up and carry him to bed I realize that “holding” a child is so much more than bringing that child from point A to point B. 

Holding a child is:

            Protecting from harm

            Containing feelings

            Softening your heart

            Anticipating needs

            Accepting uniqueness

            Caring for hurts

            Enforcing limits

            Sacrificing self

            Creating safety

            Seeking to understand

            Being present

            Offering grace

Over the next several months my posts will be discussing questions about  “holding” your children.  Is it possible to drop a child emotionally while holding him physically?  Is it possible to hold a child while not physically touching him?  How do fathers hold differently than mothers?  What are the consequences of never being held and how can one learn to hold if they never experienced it themselves?

Please join me in the discussion and offer your own reflections or questions about your experience as a parent.

My Wife Went Out of Town and I Asked For Help

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Several months ago my wife started preparing me for the inevitable.  A long time friend was getting married and she floated the idea of attending the wedding. She would be a plane flight away while I stayed home to care for our four young children.  My normal response in these situations is silence.  I am trying to remain calm, and avoid totally betraying the feelings of anxiety and frustration that immediately crop up. 

I love my kids, I am a very involved father, and I am passionate about impacting the lives of my children.   When it comes to parenting alone for a weekend however, I am a mess.  I really desire for my wife to have time of her own, I desire for her to connect with old friends, and I have had many chances to take such trips. 

My problem is that I get overwhelmed; there is just so much to do.  There are moments when things are going fine, and then there are moments when it feels seconds away from implosion.  As I move through the days doing my best to stay one step ahead of the chaos the feeling becomes more powerful and out of control.

So, with this trip on the horizon I asked for help, my mom came into town and my sister and her pre-teen daughter spent time lending an extra hand. 

Somewhere in the middle of the weekend I started to wonder if I was betraying my fellow man.  I have read several articles lately and am aware of a pretty significant movement of dads looking to improve the image of fathers.  I have felt that I am a part of this movement.  I do desire to demonstrate that men are capable parents.  So, I wondered if asking for help made me a sell-out?  Had I become a hypocrite in the world of active fathers? 

After some reflection I have decided that no, I am not a sell-out or a hypocrite, I am just me.  I am laid back, low energy, low structure, introverted, reflective, and male.  When I enter a group of people I hang around the edges, observe for a while, and then settle into a conversation with 1 or 2 warm personalities.  My wife is outgoing, high energy, high structure, extroverted, logical, and female.  When she enters a group of people she jumps right into the mix, moves from group to group, and meets many new people. 

I am struck by the fact that our different personalities also reflect our different styles of parenting.  She is perfectly comfortable managing and directing the crisis of taking four children to the grocery store.  She responds quickly in many situations and is adept at moving from child to child, while maintaining focus on the task at hand.  My reflective personality causes me to respond more slowly.  I want to think things through.  I wonder how my words in this moment may impact the future development of a fragile psyche.  I analyze motivations, body language, and tone changes all in the hopes of responding perfectly as to avoid any further complications. 

Isn’t it amazing how who we are as people, so totally impacts who we are as parents?  I am very thankful that my wife is not like me.  I am also thankful that I am not like my wife.  Our personalities and parenting styles are complementary and we have become a really great team.  She is a force of energy, passion, excitement, and structure.  I am steady, thoughtful, calming, and relaxed.

I am beginning to realize that my anxiety and frustration with parenting on my own may not be the result of deficient skills.  I think it is more like losing a valued teammate.  I think I am a better parent in the presence of my wife.  We work well together and support one another.  She gives me strength and I give her stability.  Asking for help is like inserting a sub, the new player can never replace the trusted veteran but neither does it reduce the value of the remaining player. 

 The weekend with my wife away went much better than I expected.  It was a nice opportunity for my children to spend time with their grandmother and cousin.  I enjoyed having new team members at my side and am thankful to have learned a lesson about accepting my weaknesses and strengths. 

Oh, and my wife points out that it took three of them to replace the one of her!!

This Post originally appeared at The Good Men Project

Before We Talk Gun Control, Let's Talk Self-Control

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I see the video of students running to embrace their parents after the Columbine shooting.  I hear the 9-1-1 calls from Aurora Colorado.  I fear for my child’s safety following Newtown Connecticut.  The images of these tragedies continue to raise serious questions in my mind, what is wrong with our society?  Where does this violence come from?  And what can be done to protect my children?

In the months following the Newtown Connecticut shooting my questions have been societies questions.  The issues have been discussed on news shows, experts have weighed in and there are all sorts of opinions.  Recently however the discussion seems to have focused on gun control.  Who can own them?  How many rounds should they hold? What is the difference between hunting and military style weapons?  And should there be a national gun registry?

I am afraid that these discussions about gun control miss the more important point.  If we are seeking to answer the questions, “what is wrong with society?” “Where does this violence come from?” and “How can we protect our children?” then we must instead be talking about self-control.  We have become a nation of self-indulgence.  The Centers for Disease Control reports that over 1/3 of American adults are obese.  The collapse of the U.S. housing market revealed a pattern of gross overspending and irresponsible lending.  In my work as a school counselor I see many parents indulging their child’s every desire while expecting very little responsibility.  We are surrounded by technologies designed to make life quick and convenient while avoiding the arduous and difficult. 

Our children are told that happiness comes from living in the moment, following their heart, and being themself.  Yet according to the U.S. census bureau between 1990 and 2009 for every 6.8 marriages there were 3.4 divorces.  The emphasis placed on self-indulgence does not seem to create successful relationships. What if this over indulgence of self actually makes it easier to discard important relationships?  What about the influence celebrity?  In 2012 Americans spent $1.37 billion on movie tickets.  Many look to these movie stars as well as athletes as role models for success.  However, based on the number of front-page mug shots and court appearances even these cultural figures struggle with self-control.    I am very concerned that my children are growing up in a nation that views impulsivity, selfishness, and self-aggrandizement as virtues rather than vices.    

Why are we surprised when a product of this culture does exactly what he was taught to do?  He follows his angry heart, disregards the value of others, and impulsively, irrationally, and selfishly murders innocent people? The real solution for the gun control problem is a radical shift in our national values.  Self-control must not be viewed as an attempt to limit individual freedoms.  Instead, it must be viewed as the ability to choose what is best rather than what is immediate. 

Self-control provides a person the power to direct ones life.  I have encountered many students who do not know this.  They seem to believe that self-control is a position of weakness rather than strength.   They are convinced that limiting themselves will result in limited freedom.  What they don’t realize is that controlling ones self is the ultimate in freedom.  The ability to control our impulses, emotions, and desires may be the most difficult task of life.  However, as we learn to harness these inner experiences we are set free from the ups and downs of inner volatility.  We realize that others have absolutely no control over our inner world and thus no control of us.  “I am the only one who can control me.”  What a great freedom and responsibility.  The freedom provides the path to make life what I want it to be.  The responsibility requires that if life is not what I want it to be, I have no one to blame but myself.  Man Life is tough! 

My guess is that those who perpetrate mass shootings never learned the lesson of self-control.  They never realized that they were ultimately in control of their thoughts, emotions, fantasies, and actions.  I would guess they felt a sense of their life being out of control.  I imagine they felt provoked to commit these crimes and saw no other escape from their prison of anger, hurt, and loneliness.  My hope is that as we shift from a culture of self-indulgence to self-control that the would-be murderers will regain the power to direct their life.  I hope they will find freedom in valuing others, connecting in relationships, and living in reality.  That is the best gun control only an individual can create.    

This post originally appeared on The Good Men Project

The Facade of Manliness--a discussion with Chopper Poppa

 Chopper Poppa is Kyle Bradford a father of two.  He is passionate about his children and fatherhood.  He recently invited me to join him for his podcast Fatherhood Wide Open.  We discussed a post I had written when I first started my blog.  "The Fortress of Solitude" was a post I wrote while thinking about what it means to be a man and how I can best influence my boys to reaching this ideal.  Kyle and I discussed the difference between authentic manhood and a facade of manliness designed to emotionally isolate oneself from others.  We discussed how parents unintentionally lock their boys into a fortress of solitude and some important ways to protect them from relational isolation.  Follow the link below to hear more of the discussion. 

Fatherhood Wide Open--The Facade of Manliness

Growing Boys Into Men--A Christian Perspective

I am very excited to have been interviewed by Lon Woodbury for his show Parent Choices For Struggling Teens on LA Talk radio.com.  I spent about an hour discussing one of my favorite topics with Lon, Growing Boys into Men --A Christian Perspective.  I have attached the link to the entire show below and am hopeful that you will take the time to listen.  
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Growing Boys Into Men--A Christian Perspective


There seems to be a crisis of manhood in the United States.  24 million children in the US live in a home absent of their biological father.  Studies show that children who live with their father are less likely to have emotional/behavioral problems, be incarcerated, experience child abuse, and become pregnant as a teenager.  Growing today’s generation of boys into men can have a significant impact on future generations.  Lon Woodbury and Mark Vander Ley discuss the Christian perspective to Growing boys into Men.  They will discuss a Christian definition of manhood, the unique challenges that Christian parents face when raising boys, The important role that mothers and fathers play in growing boys into men, and practical ways families grow their young boys into men. 

Permission to Laugh

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This morning was a little different than normal.  I was taking the boys to school.  My wife was leaving early to drop our daughter at daycare.  She had to dress professionally in preparation for her clinical training day.  The boys had slept in a little longer than normal and we parents had taken advantage by sleeping in ourselves.  Things were going OK but we were late and nerves were running hot. 

The boys were eating their biscuits and jelly, while my wife was holding our daughter and trying to prepare her breakfast at the same time.  She needed to rinse a bowl in the sink when it happened.  She flipped on the faucet, the sprayer nozzle stuck and water went flying across the kitchen soaking her, our daughter, and the floor.  The surprise of the cold water caused my wife to let out a loud high pitched scream, which scared the 9 month old daughter causing her to cry. 

The boys and I sat eating breakfast not knowing quite how to respond.  The 3- year old covered his mouth trying to keep his breakfast from spewing out as he stifled a giggle.  The 5-year old let out one lone giggle and then shut up quickly sensing that mom might not appreciate his response.    I stood there dumbfounded remembering the night before when I had the same problem but was too lazy to find a solution.  The 7-year old forced out the obligatory, “don’t laugh, it’s not funny!” reprimand of his younger brothers.

Now, this situation could have gone a number of different ways, but thanks to a patient and playful response things took a positive turn.

My wife paused a moment, seemingly to gather her super human strength, took a breath and said playfully, “well, it was kinda funny!”

                  The boys burst into laughter!  They let loose with belly laughs and howls that are normally reserved for only the most hilarious moments.  The previously tense feeling of the morning had been shattered, nerves had been instantly cooled and we shared a family laugh in a stressful time. 

As I reflected on this moment I was struck by the importance of giving children permission to laugh.  They desperately wanted to laugh, but they needed to know it was safe.  My wife could have responded with anger, and continued the morning with increased tension and pressure.  In her patience and playfulness however she sent the signal that she could laugh at herself and they could follow suit.

We have laughed about this moment several more times in the days to follow.  We remember back with our boys about the time mom got sprayed by the sink.  We share mini moments of laughter in the midst of the daily grind. 

What a blessing we were given, a moment to laugh on a busy hectic morning and a lifetime to remember that wonderful feeling of connecting in joy through the power of laughter. 

What are your funniest family moments?