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Psalm 18:16 He reached down from on high and took hold of
me; he drew me out of deep waters. He
rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
I have recently begun to view HOLDING
my children as so much more than just physically carrying them. Holding has become something that is
physical, emotional, and psychological.
Two summers ago for about 2 hours
my son thought that he was dead! It was
a beautiful day. My wife and I took our
family to a community swimming area, we were able to relax and watch our kids
swim with their older cousins. Near the
end of our time at the lake two of our sons approached us in the water. The older one appeared completely calm and
said, “Dad I was freaking out!” The other was literally freaking out; he was
yelling, screaming, and crying.
Apparently one of his siblings had taken a water toy from him and he was
very upset. My wife and I both
gravitated to the screaming child. We
acknowledged the older one but picked up, consoled, and helped to manage the
screaming one. Both children moved on
and we left the lake a short time later.
As we arrived home my wife and I remarked to each other how enjoyable
the day had been and what a fun time we had had.
The older cousins joined us at our
house and we settled the children downstairs to watch a movie. As my wife and I discussed the enjoyable
afternoon, our older son came upstairs noticeably upset. He was in tears and could hardly speak
through his emotions. He climbed into my
lap and I attempted to understand what was going on. He explained in short tearful phrases that he
was afraid he had died. Slowly the story
of his “freaking out” emerged. He
explained that he was playing on the floatilla of fun in the deep end of the
lake. He saw an older kid with no
life-jacket on swim underneath an inflatable “bridge” that was about 3 feet
wide. We had told him previously to never
swim under this bridge. As he saw the
older kid do it with such ease however, he decided to give it a try. In his attempt to swim under the bridge he
plunged his head under the water and swam with all his might expecting to
resurface on the other side. His life
jacket forced him to the surface earlier than anticipated and became caught on
a seam of the rubber floatilla. In
realizing he was not going to make it he freaked out and attempted to return
from where he had come. He said that he
had to swim as hard as he could to release himself from the bridge before he
popped up above the surface gasping for air.
I was shocked by his story and
confused by his concern about being dead.
It seemed that although he had escaped drowning he was afraid that what
he was now experiencing was death. I was freaking out and
feeling overwhelmed at the outcome that could have devastated this beautiful
day. I had failed at this moment to
physically protect him and it was now time to emotionally and psychologically HOLD
him.
I stumbled about attempting to
elicit his entire story while simultaneously working to maintain my composure. Praise the Lord he was safe! But what is a
parent to do?
After two years of on and off again
reflection regarding this very scary experience I have deciphered what has
become my way of HOLDING to protect from harm.
Physically Holding:
My son climbed up
into my lap to tell his story, he desired physical closeness as well as
strength to contain the convulsions and shakes of his emotionally charged
body. Physical proximity during times of
fear and pain can be very comforting to children. The natural rhythms of a parents breathing,
heartbeat and voice serves to calm and regulate. I have learned to become more open to
physical contact. Whether it’s holding
hands, scratching a back, or applying sunscreen holding touch is a crucial
ingredient in protecting a child from present and future harm.
Emotionally Holding:
My
son was overwhelmed with emotion. He
could not contain his feelings of fear, and uncertainty. He needed a parent to be a container for
these overflowing emotions. As emotion
pours out of a child and into the parent he needs to feel that the parent can
handle it. The parent can manage his own
emotions in the face of the child’s very powerful emotions. My son was also confused about what had
happened. Emotional holding helps a
child to make sense of confusing emotions and circumstances. Emotional holding seeks to fully understand
the experience of the child without judgment.
For the child telling the story enables him to make sense of the
experience.
Psychologically Holding:
In
the weeks following this incident I began to wonder if it might impact him long
term. He loved to swim, but would he
refuse to get back in the water? Would
he have nightmares, irrational fears, or ongoing questions about death? I continued to talk about the situation
hoping to communicate that it was ‘ok’ to talk about and that recurring
thoughts were normal. At one point he
stated that he thought about it often, so I wondered about his thoughts and
even consulted a therapist.
Psychological holding is being your child’s therapist. It is knowing when to talk and when to
listen. It is knowing when to seek
outside help for your child and possibly for yourself. Psychological holding is a parent’s ability
to know a child in their mind, and heart.
It is the ability to mentalize the child’s inner experience and respond
appropriately.
My son is OK, we talk about this
day every once in a while but mostly it is just part of his story. As his parent I am reminded that I cannot
protect him from every danger, but that HOLDING him can help him to get through
the scary things he encounters in life.
I can be his secure base to which to return when times get rough and
life is difficult.
What scary/painful things have your
kids experienced and how did you help them through it? What was the hardest part about helping them
through this difficult time?
